The sparks that used to spice our relationship

I married my wife, to be accurate my ex-wife, after almost four years of dating. We really could say that we knew each other like no one on the earth even including our parents. Many of our friends used to come to our place saying the needed to soak up some of our family well-being. We must have looked happy and I thought we really were. After about twelve years of our happiness I had to come to grips with our divorce, totally baffled and without any idea why my wife didn’t want to live with me any more but with some other guy. It took me years and years to understand the reason. I took everything way too for granted in our marriage, thinking that something like our happy marriage just must remain for ever without any investment. The truth is I didn’t invest almost anything. Partly I didn’t know that everything we appreciate must be pampered, partly I just was a moron. And when some other guy appeared and offered something more, he swept her of her feet. It didn’t come out of the blue, it took some months then it came to the surface and my wife surely had to fight a severe battle with herself before doing her final decision.
The reason I’m pondering those things is Emmbie, a 21-year-old women and her blog. She’s just found out that her marriage has changed, turned into some day to day routine without all those sparks that had spiced their relationship. Looking at an old picture where she and her husband looked madly in love, a reminder of how they could smile at each other, she realized that their happiness is something she only can think back. So she’s decided to try and save her marriage even though many of her friends told her it’s almost impossible just because you can never enter the river twice. That’s right. But some couples managed to overcome their crisis and seem even happier then before. The lucky ones. I think either you have in gens how to preserve your relationship, no matter what, or you must be experienced in this art of living together. She is too young, without experience. So I am sort doubting she will succeed. But if you look at her last entry you’ll see she’s made her first step in the right direction.

This is the picture of when you used to love me
I went through my box of pictures and photographs last night. I was separating them into different categories so that it will be easier for me to do my scrapbook. I saw a picture of me and Foom from his high school graduation. He had his arms around me, leaning in for a kiss. There was a huge smile on my face and his. I held the picture for a long time and cried.

I played the mini movie of his graduation over and over again in my head. I focused on the moment that he wrapped his arms around me and leaned in for a kiss. It wasn’t his graduation that made me cry. It was the picture and what we were doing in the picture. There were so much love in that picture. Anyone who saw it would say that this couple was madly in love.

What happened to the fire that used to burn so hot? It’s now dwindled down to a tiny little flame, which I fear is going to burn out. I feel as if Foom and I both are trying our hardest to keep the tiny flame going, but it’s no use. We don’t know how to keep the fire going.
Foom came into the bedroom and saw me crying. He asked why. I replied, half jokingly, “This is the picture of when you used to love me.” He took a look at the picture and smiled, “No, this is the picture of when you used to love me.”

I guess we both know what is happening to our relationship. I’m really scared. I still love him with all my heart. However, I believe that I love you’s, kisses, and sex isn’t enough. It’s taking the time to spend with each other, even if it’s just sitting next to each other in silent (we used to do that all the time). We hardly have time for each other anymore. Now, after seeing how much in love we used to be, I’m going to even try harder to achieve what we had. I know what you’re thinking. A lot of people have told me that you can’t ever go back to where you were. Once the flame has died, it remains that way. However, I don’t believe that. I have a strong belief Foom and I can make it through this trial period in our lives.

God, I must sound like a fool. God, I love him so much.

I guess everyone knows that magic moment when the fall-in-love hormones start acting. Sooner or later, everyone experiences that esoteric whirlwind being able to make adults from teenagers and teenagers from adults. This world would definitely be much poorer without that weird and awesome condition of mind called LOVE. So let's just remind it.
Brittany from the USA, a 19-year-old girl, found out a couple weeks ago she fell in love. And not having a chance to tell this news to anybody in person she just cried it out into the internet world. She seems to be pretty down-to-earth and she doesn't blog too often, but this time the urge to share her feelings about her first love must have been really strong because she „opened her heart“ twice within a short time. Such a lovely poetry. So enjoy this sincere and genuine profession of love. I think it's worth reading as well as other parts of her blog. It's a window into the heart of a girl who changed the school bus for commuting.

Happenings
Jul 11, 2006 at 12:27 AM
It's been a long time since I've written about my life. Usually all I do is sit down and think of something that's been bugging me as of late. But today I can't think of anything. I've discovered something; I think it's called love but I've had no recent experience with it that I find myself doubting everything I do and not knowing what to say when confronted with the all too daunting, "I love you." And you know what I say back? "I love you too." And that's because I do. Brittany, the girl who never had a boyfriend, who thought she would eventually end up in the convent, the girl who was happy with being single, has finally found someone that actually likes her. Wow, what a difference having someone in your life makes. Now all I want to do is talk to him...all the time. The girl that hates the phone wants to talk to someone, and for hours on end. Now I understand why my sisters are always on the phone talking to their boyfriends. And now they have a reason to yell at me because I gave them so much shit about everything. I feel bad now. But not too bad.
I wonder what is to come. Will it be good? Will it be bad? If anything, I don't want to end up pregnant at 21 and being divorced by the time I am 25. That's just not something I look very highly on. I love this guy, a lot, and I can only hope he truely feels the same about me.
God, I must sound like a fool.

Love
Jul 11, 2006 at 11:44 PM
It's not everyday I want to talk to someone at all times. It's not everyday I'm on my phone every minute I can spare. And yet, that's how it's been as of late. He calls me, and I want to talk to him. He calls me, and I actually answer the phone. He calls me, and I don't want to hang up. He has some problems with self esteem, and all I can say about that is that everyone does. I have insecurities, many of them. One of them being my inability to say what they are. There are a lot of things I feel insecure about. My body, my image, my ability to say something before I think about it. The way I piss people off with what I say, the way I get pissed off by the stupidest things. My inability to accept the fact that he likes the way I sing and why I feel the need to tell him I suck at it every time I start. I love him. I know I do. I've never felt this way about anyone ever before. Never. I don't understand how I can know him for so short a time and already know I love him. And he's 9 years older than me. Not something I want to be telling my parents They'd surely put in their two cents about the subject. I just can't believe I love him. No, I can believe that. What I can't believe is that he loves me. God, I love him so much.

They pay less for petrol then me. That's a privilege.

Once I read somewhere that being born in the USA is a privilege. Some American's guy opinion. I don't think so. The only privilege they have - compared to me - is they don't need visa to enter my country whereas I do if I wanted to go there. Knowing some Americans in person – compared to people in my country and other foreigners – they have the same ups and downs as everyone else around this globe, the same feelings of sadness and happiness, the same responsibility for rising their children, the same troubles to find and keep their jobs and pay all their taxes and fees. Oh yes, they still pay less for petrol then me. But as for overweight people the rate is almost the same.
Moreover, all the sneaking changes the Americans have to cope with after September 2001 seem to be sort of both funny and painful – compared to my country. I had the bad luck having to live in a communist dictatorship for the huge part of my life. I know what was it like to be followed by undercover officers, to have your phone tapped, to be accused of being a inner enemy or turned down by employers for political reasons. Either you just went with them or they said you were against them. Either you just sing happy songs and shut up or TV and radio stations will slam the door on you. Doesn't it ring the bell? (Dixie Chicks) I'm afraid it does. I see some significant similarities between those days of oppression in my country and the current situation overseas and find it a bit scary and depressing. No reason to speak about privileges.
But back to those ordinary people for whom Washington, DC is far away and who need to make ends meet above all. Like Laura from Texas, a young lady with a sarcastic sense of humor, which I think is her way to survive some tough days. She just got a new job. At a doctor's office. And she seems pretty happy.
Needless to say I've learned two new words thanks to her – „scrubs“ (to clean sth by rubbing it hard, perhaps with a brush and usually with soap and water + clothing worn by hospital staff in the workplace) and „go haywire“ (to stop working correctly or become out of control).

„It's an admin job and doing the IT work at a chiropractic office. It's kind of small so I'll basically be working by myself with the doctors, but it's cool. Pays okay for the area.
.... and the best part: I get to wear scrubs. I've dreamed of the day to where I'd never have to try to decide what to wear everyday, and now it's come. This is how lazy I am, I don't even want to have to decide what to wear everyday.
oh, and I get two hour lunch breaks everyday. so that's all cool.
but yeah, I got a job and I start Monday and I'm glad because I was seriously about to go haywire.“

Some words about the parents-child relationship (2)

My parents passed away years ago. First it was my dad. Once he just told me 'I guess my life is going to end'. This left me speechless as it never occurred to me that he could die. My mom mourned for him a couple of long years and when she finally got over his death she also passed away. Luckily they both could enjoy their grandchildren wich I think was the greatest joy of their last years. It takes time to come to grips with the fact that nothing last for ever even the lives of your closest people, that suddenly you are the oldest member of your family and that sooner or later it is your turn… That's just the way it goes but yet it always makes me a bit jealous (in a good way if possible) to hear about someone, who is lucky to have the chance of being with their parents. I consider this a great miracle of life.
Karen's blog is a living example of this happiness.

“In April of 1957, two of my most favorite people, my parents met. In June of the same year, Dad proposed while on a trip to my family's cabin. Of course, her answer was yes, and on August 23, they were married in Idaho Falls, Idaho. In June of 1958, my oldest brother, J Dee was born and then in September of 1959, Bob was born. Three years later, Susie was born and another year passed Kathy was born. They waited four years before having the best child of all, me.
All my childhood, my siblings told me I was an accident, I was adopted, etc., just because they were jealous of how wonderful I was. I took after my parents, you see, so I had to be wonderful! My family lived between cities in Idaho and Utah growing up, although I have only lived in Utah.
My parents worked all their lives to clothe and feed us and put a roof over our heads. There were times when we were unappreciative, going through those stages, but now that we're grown, we owe more gratitude then we'll ever be able to repay. Not only did they provide for us, but they gave us love, unconditionally. They taught us right from wrong; instilling Christianity and faith in God. They taught us to be kind and think of others in all we do.
The love that my parents have for one another grows daily, even through the rough times and when they get exasperated with each other. They are living proof that true and unselfish love exists. Their marriage not only produced five children, but also 11 grandchildren and six great-grandchildren. Mom and Dad are the heart of our family and I am proud of them, both as my parents and as human beings. They are my shining examples and I can always count on them, no matter what.
Happy 49th Anniversary, Mom and Dad. I love you with all my heart.”

Some words about the parents-child relationship

Sometimes I read in blogs complains about the bad relationship with parents. Sometimes my friends make a comment how their elderly parents drive them crazy. I have to admit that these statements drive me crazy. My answer always is: Just try to imagine the situation when you can talk to them only at a graveyard.
Maybe it is a bit rough but it is going to happen anyway. One day everyone will find out that they just can't phone them. Worse, they will never phone you. Only at this moment you realize all the narrow-minded, stupid fights that maybe were driving you mad for a while but for them all those quarrels were sad events in their last years or months of their lives.
I do know how hard it can be to get along with parents but I always do know the emptiness without them. Suddenly you find out how many things shoud have been said, some were details, some other were important, like “Thank you for being my parents, for bringing me up, for all the things you have made for me.” When the time is over for both you and them you will be never able to complete that gap and only regret will remain. Then you may realize how silly you were. They were the closest people you have ever had and even your husband and kids will never make up for them.
I believe in some justice – when you get older your kids will treat you the same way you have treated your parents. In other words, you can expect the same relationship with your kids as you have with your parents.
The following post is just an example, the address is not necessary.

“I have a hard time with loving my parents, and lately I realize I have a hard time receiving their love. I hate it when they do something that really, really annoys me, but that I recognize is a way they are demonstrating love to me, in the way that they know how. And my challenge at that point is to receive it graciously and patiently. But man...it is so hard.
The worst thing about the situation with my parents is that I recognize it, but I don't feel a desire to work on our relationship. I have a desire to have a desire. But the desire itself is not in my heart. I find myself distancing myself from them and hardening my heart against them.”

Water-lilies have gone crazy and snakes have a feast

I spent the last few days working a lounging in my garden in the country. That is my place to strengthen my muscles and to try gardening even though I really don't have green fingers. That's just my place to rest. There is a small pond in the middle of the garden, a place full of water life and also with two big water-lilies. They both seem to go crazy. Instead of spreading their leaves all over the surface they are suddenly growing up. One of them has created something like a hill of hundreds of leaves about one meter high. The downside is that the blooms can't find their place in the sun so they are invisible practically. On the other side this green hill is full of frogs hunting for flies and mosquitos. And there also are two or three grass-snakes hunting for frogs, keeping the nature in balance. Watching them sneaking, coming closer and closer to the frogs inconspicuously and then grabbing them in a second is a bit creepy but who has seen someting like that ńot only on the screen. I witnessed this performance twice, so I was lucky because one grass-snake only needs one frog in a week. I guess I'm lucky twice because these snakes are harmless and moreover they mostly live in or near the pond. As I only walk barefoot on the grass it wouldn't be a nice experience to step on it.

I romanticized certain things, didn't I?

I learned this new idiom a couple of days ago – “to look at the world through rose-colored glasses”. We have totally the same in Czech, there is only one tiny difference, we say “pink glasses”. I guess this idiom can match a lady originally from the USA who moved to the UK a few weeks ago following her husband who is British. This was a huge occasion for her to start blogging in order to record all the new things she was expecting to experience. Her first days seemed trully happy in her new place, she was just overwhelmed with everything new. ("I deserve the happiness I have now" - August 01, 2006)
But nothing lasts for ever. Her latest entry reflects some lack of courage and maybe homesick. I am afraid she will encounter many new things and feelings that are hard to deal with. Hopefully, her husband is able to empathize enough to help her go through all the troubles or will be a shoulder to cry on at least. She is feeling sort of lonely now, just like "Far from the madding crowd". It looks like a saying "out of sight out of mind" still works even with an internet connection. One must be really strong to find out that you have stayed alone, without friends who have turned back to you, partly deliberately, partly because you are just way too far to stay in touch. I guess all this is going to be a trial by fire for her.

“Cleaning up after 4 is a lot different than two. Endless amounts of laundry and dishes. I'm sick of doing laundry and dishes. No dishwasher really sucks. I guess I should have expected getting sick of it, but I really didn't. I didn't prepare my mind for what I was going to feel or experience. I didn't anticipate this at all. Oh, don't tell me. I romanticized certain things, didn't I?
I'm totally disconnected from my friends. Some have not emailed me at all. Some have stopped emailing me. When I called my sister last night, she acted like I was bothering her and didn't seem interested in talking to me. When I tried to tell her things going on here, she just blew me off. I guess the isolation I'm feeling is new and I never expected that. There are a few who email me a lot and I so appreciate that.
This is definitely not what I thought it would be when I moved.”

Fuzzy lines on a screen and they call it a baby. Lovely.

I wish I could have learned what it had been like to watch my kids before their birth. Just in their mom's stomach. Unfortunately, such a thing was impossible in those days when they started coming into being. It was even impossible to accompany my wife and hold her hand when she was giving birth to our boys. Delivery rooms were taboo for men. So I envy a guy who was mentioned in a story written by Stephanie, living in New York. In her blog Greek Tragedy (she is a quarter Greek) she describes her experience with her first ultrasound. It's worth reading, this girl is talented in writing, expressing not only her joy but also the worries about the health of her child… oh, children, she is carrying twins. „Nothing is for certain. That's what's so hard about all this... for any of us, I guess. There are no guarantees in life.“ (I cut her story short.)

"It was our first ultrasound that wasn't intravaginal (I'm 13 weeks and 1 day along). They greased up my belly with jelly and began to roll across the small gourd that is now my stomach with a rolling paddle. The Suitor held my hand, and we watched. First we only saw one baby, which always scares me because I think, "why aren't they showing us the other one?" I wish they would show us both, then zoom in on one. It was "baby B," and it was asleep This is the lazy baby, or the "calm baby," definitely The Suitor's child. „Would you like to hear the heartbeat?" Wow. The screen went dark, and the room flooded with the sound of our baby's heart. Then we watched "baby A," my wild child, partying in mom's house. Kicking, waving, dancing, sucking it's thumb. Then they wiped me up, and I threw up Rice Krispies. This is usually how my day goes anyway. "

gourd = a type of large fruit, not normally eaten, with hard skin and soft flesh. Gourds are often dried and used as containers.
suitor = a man who wants to marry a particular woman
throw up = to bring food from the stomach back out through the mouth (it's a nice Oxford definition, isn't it?)
Rice Krispies (called Rice Bubbles in Australia) = a brand of breakfast cereal

Janet and John approach

How to say that my English is way too poor? It's just 'Janet and John' style.

I came across this sentence this morning: „Now I'm just waiting to fly out - this has been posted not only from my mobile, but also on an empty stomach so please ignore the 'Janet and John' approach.“ (Random Acts Of Reality)

Of course, this question must have followed: "What's a 'Janet and John' approach?"

The answer: „Back in the 1950's here in England the Janet and John books were a series of readers for schoolchildren beginning to read. They were very simple illustrated stories told in short sentences and large print.“

She turns up trumps sometimes

My friend who has a special place in my heart and who also has itchy feet called me last night just to tell me she came back home from France. She failed to find some physio job in St. Tropez. She was able to prove her foreign praxis in physiotherapy as she had worked in New Zealand and Austria for plenty of months but despite of speaking English almost fluently no one wanted to employ her for her lack of French. Would you employ anyone who doesn't speak your mother tongue even though you need a physiotherapist for you guests? I don't think so. Instead, her belongings got stolen from her car. Her passport, a cell phone, credit card, driving licence and other things just disappeared when she she didn't keep an eye on her car for a few minutes. She noticed one of the car doors was slightly open and shortly afterwards rushed to the police. Apart from that she said St. Tropez was a nice place.
Well, this trip was really worth making, just another dent in a row of her adventures. But to be honest, I wish I had her guts to travel, all alone, able to find a job, usually well-paid as physiotherapists are needed (except for France). Sort of like life would be way too boring if she should spent it only in her homeland. The truth is that compared to her three older siblings she earns much more.
I wonder what her next destination is going to be. She could make a bit shorter trip and see me at my place for couple of days. I sort of deserve it for promt blocking her cards after she desperately phoned me to do this. I did it sitting on a tree stool in the woods far away from civilization and was lucky (oh yes, she was lucky) that my mobil phone was able to catch some distant signals. It looks like this girl only remembers she has me when she needs something, but she turns up trumps sometimes. Of course, she knows I'm still around and that my phone number hasn't changed. When she phoned me from St. Tropez for help she just said: You are the only one whose number I remember by heart. And I wonder if she remembers it only because of knowing I'm still around.

I'm tired, need some break. Sorry. I'll come back.

Anything I might have said would have sounded either very depressing or really stupid.

Turn your damn siren off, I can't use my mobile!

“Random Acts Of Reality” is a blog that is really worth reading. This guy from London Ambulance Service is just able to reflect many moments that mirror our behavior in some emergency situations, even human stupidity, and moreover many of his entries can be used for educational purposes.

Can you imagine the ambulance response...
We are driving along on blue lights and sirens, traffic is heavy and we are on our way to a potentially life-threatening call. From the side of the road we see a member of the public gesticulating angrily at us. He is shouting, swearing and indicating something to us. He is angry because our sirens are so loud they are disrupting his mobile phone call. Obviously a more important phone call than our emergency journey. One member of this ambulance crew may well have made a rude hand signal at this pillock, I wouldn't like to say which one.

disrupt = to make it difficult for sth to continue in the normal way

pillock = a stupid person

The grammatical reason why I chose this is present simple he used while telling his story. Using this tense is one of the ways, the easier one, of telling a story. We have the same in Czech (Jedeme s modrými světly a sirénami, doprava je rušná a jsme na cestě….) but don't use it often.

I deserve the happiness I have now

The beginning of the following story is pretty banal. A woman called herself "The Girl" got married years ago, gave birth to a baby boy but then the things were getting worse and worse with her marriage with never-ending fights and depressions. There was no hope in things getting better. Till she met a guy who she believed was her soul-mate. But you know, there is always something that keeps things from being ideal, partly because she had to cheat on her husband (but he apparently had cheated on her), partly because this man was a foreigner. Once she got to the turning point of her life, forced to make her crucial decision – get divorced and move away with her new partner to his country. So, a few weeks ago she packed all her and her son's stuff and flew from USA fo her “promised land”, to UK. She's been describing all the new things she has encountered in her new home in her blog “The Journey of my Heart”. It is really interesting, especially when she compares the differences in lifestyle of Americans and Britons. She seems happy right now even though there are some things from her past she has to cope with. Here is one of the paragraphs of her latest entry that she wrote after having a call with her mother:

My mother said I sound less stressed now. She knows the horror I lived through and I'm glad to leave that all behind. I can say that days go by that I don't think about about the legal case. Some days, it consumes my mind. Karmic beauty is that I know that they are suffering. I know there are big changes coming up for them and I really don't think they have the strength to make it through. What makes me feel good about myself is that I feel sorry for her. She believed his bull shit, just like I did. I'm so glad life has turned around for me. When you spend year after year under that stress, broke and unable to have much fun and just too tired or scared to leave the house, it takes its toll on you. I deserve the happiness I have now.

“My mother said I sound less stressed now.” – Má matka říká, že teď vypadám (nebo zním, když to bylo do telefonu) méně stresovaná.

“She knows the horror I lived through and I'm glad to leave that all behind.” – Ona zná tu hrůzu, kterou jsem prožívala, a jsem ráda, že jsem to všechno nechala za sebou.
horror = hrůza, zděšení, strach, horor, filmový horor, děs

“I can say that days go by that I don't think about the legal case.” – Můžu říct, že dny plynou, že nemyslím na ten právní případ.
(I think when she speaks about some legal case, she means her divorce and all the things linked with it such as who will care of their child, the money issue etc.)

“Some days, it consumes my mind.” – Některé dny mě to stravuje (doslova spotřebovává moji mysl).

“Karmic beauty is that I know that they are suffering.” – Karmická krása je, že vím, že oni trpí.
(It's obvious she hasn't come to terms with her past yet, feeling some need for revenge and being satisfied with their problems.)

“I know there are big changes coming up for them and I really don't think they have the strength to make it through. “ – Vím, že se jim nastávají velké změny a opravdu si nemyslím, že mají sílu jimi projít.

“What makes me feel good about myself is that I feel sorry for her.” – Co mně dělá dobře pokud jde o mě, je to, že s ní soucítím.”
feel sorry for = cítit lítost k, soucítit

“She believed his bull shit, just like I did.” – Ona věří jeho nesmyslům, stejně jako jsem věřila já.
bull shit = nesmysl

“I'm so glad life has turned around for me.” – Jsem tak ráda, že se mi život zlepšil.
turn around = otočit, zlepšit se, obrátit, ovinout

“When you spend year after year under that stress, broke and unable to have much fun and just too tired or scared to leave the house, it takes its toll on you.” – Když trávíte rok za rokem v tomhle stresu, zlomená a neschopná se moc bavit, a prostě příliš unavená nebo bojácná odejít z domu, vyžádá si to od vás svou daň.
toll = daň, poplatek, mýtné, platit (mýtné, poplatek, clo, mostné atd.), vybírat (mýtné), vyzvánět (umíráčkem) počet obětí

“I deserve the happiness I have now.” – Zasloužím si to štěstí, které teď mám.